Here's another case of "Holy crap, what did I just watch?". It's a relic of the 90s best forgotten, a film so odd in its existence and yet so incredibly watchable in its awfulness. Welcome to Cool as Ice.
It's almost a given that the popstar vehicle as a genre only produces major clunkers (with the odd exception such as Eminem's suprisingly decent 8 Mile) and Cool as Ice fits the bill nicely. Its only reason to exist is to promote Vanilla Ice from his 15 minutes of fame to movie star. As expected, that doesn't really work out. Just like Mariah Carey's Glitter, Britney Spears' Crossroads and Kelly Clarkson's From Justin to Kelly the film proves to be truly atrocious on almost any given level. Ice is a terrible actor, the plot is paper thin yet still riddled with holes, the direction is poor and the script embarrassing. In short, it's a masterpiece of shit.
Vanilla Ice is pretty much playing himself. He is a rapping, motorcycle riding, ridiculous looking, one liner spouting, so-cool-it-hurts wannabe macho man brimful of confidence both in his style and mannerism that you can't help but chuckle every time he is on screen. Featuring outfits and catchphrases that might be cool if you're deaf and blind, he goes on a random bike trip across the desert with his buddies only to strand in a suburban town in the middle of nowhere when one of the bikes breaks down. While a wacky couple is repairing the bike, Ice (whose name in the movie is Johnny, but admit it, you will call him Ice anyway) hits it off with Kathy, a girl in the neighborhood. He then proceeds to crash a nerdy party to introduce the townfolk to his rap skills, just proving how awesome he actually is. After that interlude he goes on to beat up Kathy's boyfriend, drives around a bit more on his motorcycle, hangs out on a construction site and fights off some of the dumbest corrupt cops in movie history that are blackmailing Kathy's father in a rather ridiculous subplot. All in all, Ice just proves to be the Man.
There are so many things wrong in this film, it's simply astounding: The look, the tone, the script, and particularly the characterization: Ice is supposed to be a charming, rebel kinda guy but that never hits home. He causes Kathy to fall off her horse, disses and beats up her boyfriend (who's not really a bad guy), and generally behaves like a huge dick. At times he even gets downright creepy such as in the scene when he wakes up Kathy with an ice cube. It's supposed to be romantic but it feels more like something from a disturbing and sleazy sex thriller. Speaking of Kathy, the actress does as fine job pretending to be attracted to Ice although it shines through that she's really not that into him. Apparently Gwyneth Paltrow was supposed to play the part which in itself is a funny piece of trivia but it would have made for pure unintentional comedic gold to see her acting opposite Vanilla Ice.
Then we also have the motorcycle fetish that is given full reign. The fixation on blatant bike porn seems entirely superfluous and doesn't have any payoff whatsoever, it just ends up being another senseless character trait of Ice. To his credit he has more chemistry with the machine than with any human being in the movie, which is not saying much.
For being such a waste of film it needs to be remarked that it's all fairly well shot, the cinematography is probably the only thing in the film that somewhat redeems itself. Who was responsible for that? ... *looks-up-IMDB* ... Janusz Kaminski?!? Are you kidding me? The two-time Oscar winner and Spielberg's go-to cinematographer since Schindler's List shot Cool as Ice? I thought the Paltrow bit was good but this one is even better. Cool as Ice, I thank you for providing me with more useless-but-awesome information.
It's hard to do this laughable piece of 90s trash justice in this review, you need to experience it for yourself. Cool as Ice is another case of so-bad-it's-good, it has to be seen to be believed. Vanilla Ice might be all but forgotten now (for better or worse) but Cool as Ice will always be there to remind us why we forgot him in the first place.
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